Well its a new year , and like every other area of your life its time to do some INSPECTIONS! Specifically in the friend zone. While I have amazing friendships (not perfect) I wanted to share with you what God was showing me in this area as I took inventory of my own friendships. One thing about me is I love having friends , but I am hard core introvert who truly loves her own company too. This being said I NEVER had to desperate for friendships because I first became my OWN. However I know the beauty of companionship, and wisdom has led me to some great people.
lets start with the basics what is a friend?
Friend;a person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically exclusive of sexual or family relations.
What are some qualities of a GOOD friend?
2.Loyal - not to a fault though
5. Like minded
7. A Great Listener
Ok these are the ones I would like to hightlight and help you do not only an inspection within your circle of friends ,but also yourself.
Now that we have identified what a friend is Lets talk about what a friend IS NOT!!
Let me be clear I am not the "perfect" Friend , but I am a darn GOOD ONE! This didnt happen over night either . Like any other relationship it has to be perfected over time. Trial , error , forgiveness and LOTS of GRACE!
One VERY important factor to a friendship is that the person you are friends with actually is your friend because of YOU ,and not what you can for them. Some people only want you in their life so you can be of good "use" to them. If your friends only praise you when you do something for them ,and not just because they LOVE YOU thats a clear indication you could be being used. At the end of the day if you couldn't buy them anything , do anything for them , do they still value YOU. Its VERY important that you know the difference. On the other side identify this as their love language. Some of your friend may love through gifts and service. However do not let them take advantage by setting healthy boundaries that work for YOU!
Friends hold you accountable!
They don't let you slack on your greatness and when you mess up they allow you grace to get it right. You need people around you who won't you let settle in ANY area of your life.
You need loving friends. Some people have horrible friendships because their heart posture is out of place. Most people haven't mastered how to love themselves. Heart inventory ASAP. Clear it out so you can let someone in.
John 15:12-14 “This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends. You are my friends if you do what I command you.
Lets move on..
You don't want to have a relationships with someone who cannot effectively communicate. Lets face it nobody will EVER agree on anything. You may not always get along. As you grow with people, they change ,and so does their life. Can you handle an argument without parting ways due to offense? So many great relationships end simply ,because people don't know how to talk to each other. Imagine how many healthy friendships you could've been saved simply by knowing how to properly communicate. Communication led by emotion isn't wisdom, its foolishness. Practice Pausing before reacting . Sometimes you just need to pause before speaking something you wont mean when the height of your emotions comes down.
Learn the art of Forgiveness...
Yes meaning someone can wrong you ,and you not cast final judgement on them. I am probably the MOST forgiving person I know. Seriously God gave me a different Kind of gift when it comes to forgiveness. Now wisdom will tell you the proper boundaries to set, but wisdom will also tell you to get over yourself and not miss what God has for you too. Discern outside of your emotions. If you are cutting someone off every season let me be honest with you...the issue is you. Its not healthy to always have an issue in friendships. If you find yourself always offended or in "cut off " season I strongly urge you to do some introspection of your heart. There is no such thing as a perfect friend! PERIOD!
Boundaries... this is a biggie. There should be things your friend have access to ,and some they just don't.
ITS OK TO SAY NO!
Say it out loud!
Seriously like there are some boundaries I am not willing to budge on. For instance I don't loan money out. Not my thing. I feel as my friend you shouldn't be broke. I show people how to make money daily , and theres no reason why anyone should be my friend and broke. Its just a rule I established that keeps money from EVER being the reason a friendship falls apart. I have done it in the past successfully and unsuccessfully, but this is the way for me. Another boundary I DONT MIX all my friends. Tried it didn't work. I have some VERY special friendships I am not risking by mixing. In my experience when you mix too many friends someone tried to divide a friendship with someone. Theres always something said behind someones back. The real question Ive always had was why did they feel comfortable enough to say it anyway?Now your boundaries could be with your spouse (meaning advice etc), kids , car , clothes ( I don't lend clothes either), whatever "it" is establish it and don't budge. Your REAL friends will respect your boundaries. You want to especially have boundaries with liars , and anyone who cannot be consistent. There is grace for everyone. Remember Jesus still loves the liar when you don't so who are you to judge?
Now this is all I have for you.
Let 2017be a year you become A GREAT friend , and also ready to receive good friends. Its ok to say you know what I haven't been that great of a friend and I need work. Work on it , apologize to those needed and move on. You don't want to be bitter holding onto baggage. If you are still talking about old mess from years ago MOVE FORWARD .
If you have been a good friend KEEP IT UP ,and be the example. We live in a world where people need each other. More unity , Grace , and LOVE :)
Heres some word to back me up :)
Proverbs 18:24A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.
Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! Again, if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone? And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him—a threefold cord is not quickly broken.
John 15:13Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends.
Proverbs 27:17 Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another.
1 Thessalonians 5:11 Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing.
Proverbs 17:17 A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.
1 Corinthians 15:33 Do not be deceived: “Bad company ruins good morals.”
Proverbs 27:9 Oil and perfume make the heart glad, and the sweetness of a friend comes from his earnest counsel.
Hebrews 10:24-25 And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near.
Job 6:14 “He who withholds kindness from a friend forsakes the fear of the Almighty.
Proverbs 27:6 Faithful are the wounds of a friend; profuse are the kisses of an enemy.
1 Peter 4:8-10 Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins. Show hospitality to one another without grumbling. As each has received a gift, use it to serve one another, as good stewards of God's varied grace:
John 15:12-14 “This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends. You are my friends if you do what I command you.
Jennifer Michelle M
its happens...Girl meets Guy...he lies...theres another woman....DRAMA
Does it have to be?
Its amazing how once you are given a word about what God has for you the counterfeit shows up.
unfortunately this is true in this case. About a year and some change ago I decided to be INTENTIONALLY single. Meaning I declined dates and offers to pursue romantic relationships from men. I knew I was in a season of intense preparation and production therefore I didn't want nor need a distraction in the form of a man.
Fast forward to april 4, 2016
I received a message from a pretty influential Online Pastor asking me to email him my number. I skipped ahead a bit but it will all make sense keep reading.
Now lets back track
Back in say February he slid in my dm ,but this was only for a date clarification on him coming to NC to preach. He then asked for my email. At this time I assumed to be put on an email blast regarding engagements.
He emailed: (2.12.16)
" Hi just received your email on instagram how are you?
Hi Pastor ________ ____ I am well thank you for asking. How are you?
I'm well so what are you up to in life? You have an awesome page....
We went back and for for several emails about what I do , His upcoming travel , laughs about me being an over packer and then I reeled the conversation back to the dates he had scheduled to preach.
Him: lol Thats funny I bet you could pack the world! I have two dates one in charlotte and one in Sandford ...The dates are TBA
Me: (fell asleep and respond the morning after)
" Ill try to make at least one"
So at this point I'm confused as to why he needed to email me dates he didn't have ,but I charged it to the " He's a nice Pastor just connecting with the people" Card.
Thats the end of that conversation.
The next few months go by an I began to notice him coming by my ig page randomly liking my photos which was weird because he didn't follow me.... he actually doesn't follow anyone on his ig page. This made it clear I was in the search bar lol no shade though If I was him I would check for me too lol.
Any who back to 4.4.16 (look up what these numbers mean)
I received a message from him on facebook .This time after conversing about one of his empowerment calls he shifted into asking me to "Email him some time again soon I'll send you my number". Now at this point Im well aware he didn't want to exchange numbers to text-pals .... HE WAS OFFICIALLY interested.
We chatted from that day forward literally EVERYDAY. From text , to calls , and facetime was his favorite. Especially early in the morning he was fascinated by how pretty I was first thing in the morning no makeup no nothing. Our conversations ended often with "stay beautiful". Every conversation was dope , funny , insightful and refreshing. I would be lying if I said I wasn't digging him because I WAS! So much I mentioned him to my Mentor , Mom and Pastor. They are my safety net. Notice how I didn't say my homegirls. Now they knew ,but I know who to get wisdom from regarding certain situations.
My birthday came 4.17.16
He called me ,and sang happy birthday then we chatted for a while ,and he said things that confirmed prophetic words I had gotten literally hours before regarding my one day husband. Now I'm looking at my phone like huh, what? He doesn't even know what he said , and/or the significance..... or does he ?
moving on to more of the story....
He has a fascination with planes jets in particular, oddly enough I do too. I spend some of my work days silently in the cut watching them take off. There were so many thing we had in common. He loves water, so do I. I remember him saying to me " One day you will let me take your cape off and show you how to fly".
I remember one day I was walking to the gym and said something and laughed that wasn't laugh worthy. lol
it was just a laugh ,and he asked me do I do that often.... so I responded do what? He said just laugh after saying something ,and I replied idk never noticed...He told me he does that all the time and his mom would ask why lol
im just painting the picture with these situations. I mean we clicked... He would make mention of how much he knew about me ( Godly insight ) and how amazingly unique I was. I mean listen ladies he was a charmer. He also knew how pure my heart was.
that following saturday after my birthday he told me he liked me. This made me melt like a school girl because I liked him too :).
One of the word I received was that my husband would show me how to be a spokesperson because he was backer... then one day he tells me to do a 60 informercial for practice as if I was on the radio. Not because I told him the word either it just came out his mouth one day.
Then I had the chance to meet him in person..Yes all this time all we had was facetime. My sister needed my family in NJ one weekend and he lives in NY so it was perfect.
I told my mom ,and she jokingly kept saying we were going on a date. I was like nah nah we are just meeting up nothing serious.
To my surprise it ended up being a beautiful evening...... yea a date.
We met at the mall to make sure neither one of us were crazy lol
He needed a new shirt so we shopped for one.
left in his car and headed to dinner , after went to watch the planes for hours talking the night away.
We had our first kiss that night. He kept apologizing for kissing me but he couldn't help himself..." I don't normally act like this...its just something about you."
Later that evening as I arrived to my hotel he sends me this:
"Hey thanks for being beautiful , prophetic, and powerful addition to my life. Im trusting you and thanking God for you. Know that I enjoyed every moment and Im thankful for your vision".
Later he proceeds to make me an admin on his VERY busy facebook page I mean there is atleast 1.2 million people following him or more. I was honored to help and took this as sign of him showing me he trust me...and well I could trust him too. There was nothing to hide right?
I would help him manage the page and his LIVE messages.
This is when things changed.... You know someone true colors eventually come through.
Ive seen more than I would have liked to. His "email" tactic was uncovered VERY quickly. Now I am a woman of wisdom so I don't just jump on the handle ,and accuse anyone of anything. So life carried on as usual but I made a mental note of everything.
So april is gone , we met in May. he comes to NC june, he come the end of his 90 day probation. Now I am impressed he made it this far because again I was intentionally single and could sniff a fake miles away.
June was different...We met up again..this time he was in NC. We met in his hometown in Fayetteville where he grew up. We spent the day together. We ate italian spot downtown,walked around, he recorded a live video ,we visited his brothers. This one in particular had a baby on the way. Sweet couple. I remember him playing some song on the piano that was hilarious and then the guys went swimming while the ladies watched lol.
Fast forward to the evening. We were sitting on the couch at his moms house and I saw a message come through his phone saying " I just love you so much" and a name . I made a HUGE mental note. I then asked him to be honest and tell if he was seeing anyone else. He said no. He was adamant about the fact that he wasn't. I let it go for the night but didn't let what I saw go. We kept talking through the night and fell asleep on the couch. The next day we parted ways and went back to our norm. Yea no sex people just two tired people lol.
Then God started dealing with me about him, showing me where he wasn't being honest , what he needed to change etc. I then saw on social media where he had became friends with the name I saw in his phone that evening. He proceeded to act if he didn't know I knew what was up and played right along. I was able to use social media to connect the dots....
Then I took some time to myself I let him know I needed NO CONTACT for atleast 7 days.
Yall know what came next I fasted and prayed!
Then I finally asked him " why did you lie to, now our friendship was nothing but a blur"
he responded saying no it wasn't and asked me if I wanted to talk.
july 19th our last conversation (which I recorded just in case)
He made up some hogwash about always being rejected by women -__- remember this is the same guy with 1828348328191 women in his inbox...he then began to share what he thought was the truth. He made it clear that " it wasn't that deep" with whomever he was talking to. He then began to express his heart ,and tell me everything........ days , moments ,and hours WAY TOO LATE. I wasn't having it though. His truth was the half truth,but I glad God showed me the parts he left out. Unfortunately I had to forgive him and move on.
rewind really quickly:
I remember a comment he made that makes sense now " I would have to marry a women who owns her own business or teaches" make send because his now girlfriend is a teacher. He was I guess weighing his options without letting us know.
Now I moving my life forward ,and message his girlfriend with NO INTENT for them to breakup but every women deserves the truth. Granted she didn't hear the 40 min conversation I had with him if she desired more truth I would've happily given it to her. What she did after is her choice.
I had to WALK AWAY
He tried to make it seem as if he wasn't pursuing anyone ,and falling in love (of course it was fresh and he wasnt sure yet). I let him know that day I could even be his friend anymore. I had to do this for me. He felt I was being selfish however when it comes to protecting my heart I have to be selfish. He couldn't hear what I heard. He wanted me to forget everything ,and just be his friend while he shifted in his pursuit without letting me know. He messed up when he moved on without first telling me. The conversation became really intense , I with tears in my eyes asked him to please just leave me alone and to relinquish my friendship. Spiritually he expressed his "need" for me. I "helped him more than I knew". He said "this will heal".... I said yea but Im severing this tie TODAY ......
and I didnt look back....
He said "I love you & I thank God for you Jennifer even though you don't see it" and that was the last day we conversed.
I learned a lot from this ordeal and to be 100% honest it shook my faith, dug a daggar of rejection into my heart, I was again at that time in my mind not good enough for him. My rejection flared privately. I spent a lot of time talking to God.. I was prophetically discouraged and confused. No one would ever know it unless you were close to me. The woman who encouraged everyone was DEEPLY discouraged , depressed , and fighting a war that could only be won in prayer. I made it though :).
Deliverance is vital don't be ashamed of it, if you don't receive it you should be ashamed of that you don't. Theres no greater feeling then purging it out your spirit . That what I did Received prayer , I prayed and purged myself (through tears, deep breaths). Now not just from his rejection ,but from ALL OF IT from anyone or previous event.
I didn't want to share this story mainly because I wanted to free and just move on with my life. However I more than confident that when you share your testimony two people become FREE. You and someone else. I couldn't be selfish I just had to be vulnerable enough to let you know I too get hurt and go through trials. I also had to let you know my way of escape. So lastly I prayer for her. For her heart , mind , spirit, happiness and that she wouldn't feel what I felt. Its never ok to be mad at the other woman. I actually felt bad. My heart went out to her in hope that she NEVER experienced what I had. I lifted her , and asked God to protect her heart.
So if this is you... here are the steps..
1. Walk away. sever it!
2. Blocked them out on social media
3. talk it out! don't hold it inside.
4. FACE YOUR EMOTIONS and identify the root
5. Seek prayer and deliverance
6. Fast and pray to maintain it.
I hope this blessed you....
Jennifer Michelle M.
I am asked 31488505844982 times no really that many! lol " Why are you single" or " Where is your husband" ?
Its really simply.
the answer: I refuse to settle. and he is coming and he will be ON TIME
Could I be married right now? For sure! However I don't want to be miserable just to have someone.
Back in august of 2015 I got to a place where I told God I want to be hidden until my husband was ready. At the time I OVER the dating scene inside and outside the church. * Hard eye roll*
Since then Ive been able to stay laser focused on myself & businesses. God started giving me ideas and the plan to execute them. So lets just say this last year has been extremely fruitful.
Intentionally single simply means you are aware of the season you are in and you know a mate is either coming and/or isn't right now so you are focused on being the best version of you possible. God isn't going to keep you confused about his will for your life as you diligently seek him (emphasis on diligently).
For me I knew I was entering a season of intense preparation and development. Prophetically it was like every word I received was Pre-pare he is coming. After going through a bunch of toads I was more than happy to NOT DATE ANYONE. Not because my heart was broke ,but my nerves were tore up. Literally there were guys just coming in my life to get on my nerves lol. Talking about "Can I pursue you", "God said you were my wife" blah blah blah.
Over the past 11 months Ive had two occurrences where I almost let a man in my life to be completely honest. Neither lasted long at all. Simply because they weren't my husband. With each step to honor Gods timeline for my life its been easier to dismiss those who aren't it and properly place them in or out of my life.
To do something intentionally means on purpose. I Intentionally decided to embrace being single. This means everything you do during the pre-wife-life aka single season is to be done ON PURPOSE and with purpose.
Here are some way to embrace this season purposefully while dodging distractions.
1. Seek God daily. Master your devotion time.
2. Fulfill the current chapter of your destiny.
3. Join a group or start your own. Accountability is MAJOR! Also you need to surround yourself with people who have the same mindset.
4. Pray for your one day mate. Keep them covered in prayer. If you pray prophetically it will be fun to exchange prayer notes later :)
5. Embrace how you really feel about this season. You can have happy days and sad days. YOU ARE HUMAN and its ok to realize this. Adjust regroup , pray and remember what God showed you.
Lastly its ok to read others love stories but don't EVER think your story will be the same. Keep your heart open for the love God has FOR YOU. Just imagine your love story being even better than the one you have read , watch and marveled over time after time.
Contentment comes from gaining God perspective. Now if you need to intentionally shut the dating door DO IT! God honors our obedience :)
P.S. This doesn't mean you dodge all men! Discern them , learn when to hold em and when to fold em.
disclaimer: This is not intended to be the solution for everyone just information based off my experiences. Take whats needed but none of this intended to be your life law. :) Each one teach one and I hope you were blessed.
submit a Comment letting me know your thougths :)